Communion: The Female Search for Love

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A lot of people react to the statements in this book, and others like it, by yelling things like, "Not all men!" or "We live in a post-feminist world!" or "Don't disrespect people who are into kink!" or "Sex workers are good for society!" and so on and so forth. Lost is the fact that bell hooks, and writers like her, are discussing a power structure, not individual people. Romantic friendships are a threat to patriarchy and heterosexism because they fundamentally challenge the assumption that being sexual with someone is essential to all meaningful, lasting, intimate bonds. In reality, many people in marriages and longtime partnerships are not sexual; behind closed doors their relationships may be similar to, if not the same as, romantic friendships. Many single heterosexual women spend their time in relationships with men in which they feel unloved and unfulfilled, only to experience a moment of critical awakening in midlife, when they begin to do the work of self-love. And the outcome of that work is often the recognition that they would rather be alone than remain in unsatisfying partnerships. Or many of us are not able to meet men with whom we want to make committed partnerships. Finding a man to be with is a lot easier than finding a man who can be a loving partner.” What has the feminist movement done for relationships? Sure, the civil uprising has led to more respect for women in the workplace. What, though, has feminism done to help women suffering from intimacy deficiency in the bedroom? Bell Hooks seeks to answer these questions and more in her book. hooks talks about how hard it can be for powerful, self-actualized women to find powerful, self-actualized men who are deeply committed to equality and freedom for women, and that this means that women need to learn to thrive regardless of whether they have a partner, rather than counting on a partner to meet their emotional needs. We need intimacy, but we don't need partnership; we need community, and a circle of love, and friendship. Like hooks, I've learned to find all the love I need in spiritual practice and community, and while I long for an intimate romantic partnership, I know I will be OK without it. She also recommends what she calls "romantic friendship" as a healthy way to establish intimacy, friendships that are not sexual but energized by Eros. This has been my experience the last few years, as I've learned to have nonsexual friendships with extraordinary men that are emotionally intimate, safe, and inspiring. Idea of a "coming out process" to yourself for realizing/believing/identifying yourself as straight, sharing same process as those who had to consciously come out as queer (p. 35)

In "Outliers," Malcolm Gladwell argues that it takes about 10,000 hours of practice become an expert at something. hooks says that most women only start to really excel at the art of love in midlife, and this has been my experience; only now am I really learning to love myself, and to approach all relationships with an open heart and a deep commitment to acting at all times with care, respect, and responsibility. I am only now beginning to love myself and others with deep knowledge of what it means to be human. I’m so glad that, in my opinion, there’s more discourse about elevating friendship in society now, from explicitly naming the oppressive force of amatonormativity to openly discussing relationship anarchy. Throughout Communion and especially in the chapter on romantic friendships, hooks highlights her ability t Bell hooks shares that the original work of love is the cultivation of care, knowledge, respect, and responsibility in relation to the self. Men and women who want to know love will find us, and we will find them" (p. 158) (TIMING OF ABSURD LIFE EVENTS) It takes courage for women to challenge the seduction of domination, the making of Love synonymous with erotic conflict between the powerful and the powerless."

At the library

The highlight of this book for me was hooks’ chapter on romantic friendships. This chapter spoke to me as someone who values my closest friendships way more than any man I’ve been into romantically or any man I will be into romantically. Here’s a passage from that chapter that I resonated with a lot: Published in 2002, "Communion: The Female Search for Love," by bell hooks/Gloria Watkins, is an excellent nonfiction title by this prolific and deeply insightful author.

As we leave behind the stuff of the past that is mere burden, the relationships that bind rather than set us free, as we experience a change of heart, we develop the inner strength necessary to journey on the path to love, to make our search for love be a grand life adventure and a profound spiritual quest. Along the way we do find soul mates, true friends, life companions. We find communion. Another great wisdom gift that women offer to those who have not yet discovered its pleasures is the wisdom that it is better to know the joy of dancing in a circle of love than to dance alone. While a romantic partner and/or soul mate may bring us joy, we add that joy to love already shared with all those who are truly primary in our lives -- the circle of people to whom we turn, who turn to us -- knowing that they will find us eternally there. No matter how sweet the love between two people, we ask too much if we demand that this relationship and this one other person be 'everything.' The truth we hold close is that 'love is everything.' And because love has this power, it is always there within us, within those we love. It offers to us the possibility of ongoing communion." i82534925 |b1130003244989 |dpc |g- |m |h12 |x3 |t2 |i2 |j2 |k140216 |n06-01-2023 19:09 |o- |a305.409 |rH784 kitabın kendisine gelirsek, ben sevgi arayışı, sevginin ne olduğu/olmadığı, neden inatla bu kadar önemli olduğu konusunda bu kadar düşünmemiştim. tabi ki annelerimizin bizi çoğunlukla sevgileriyle istismar ettiği, babalarımızın da bizi sevmeyerek istismar ettiği bir gerçektir, bunun farkındaydım. ama kitapta kendisinin de bahsettiği " güçlü görünmek adına çok seviyor görünmemek" "sevgisiz de yaşanır diyen" kadın profilinin bu kadar sık göründüğünü, çoğunluğumuz için bunun mesele olduğundan haberdar değildim ( bir uzaylı kendim sanıyordum). kadınların birbirini sevmesinin, özellikle tehdit olarak görmeden sevmesinin ne kadar önemli olduğunu, kadınların özellikle birbirine sahip çıkmasının kıymetli olduğunu düşünürüm ben de. o sebepten kitap bitince sanki bir kız kardeşime sarılmışım gibi oldu. kadınların okumasını, üzerine düşünmesini tavsiye ederim.To build community requires vigilant awareness of the work we must continually do to undermine all the socialization that leads us to behave in ways that perpetuate domination.

Intimacy and the notion of love are discovered in Bell Hooks’ third sequel in her love series. “Communion: The Female Search for Love” challenges everything that we thought we knew about feminism. Have women indeed championed all things concerning equally? Are they really on the road to total wellness, or are we all just living in the delusion of gender equality being on the horizon? Bell Hooks has answers to some of the most challenging questions. Affirming our natural beauty before we adorn it in other ways keeps us from developing a dependency on artifice" (p. 119), even though I have this same feeling, I could see where it'd be disagreed with (thinking of Imogen Binnie's chapter on clothes/fashion) In this case, the power structure being scrutinized is patriarchy, a power structure that degrades, dehumanizes, mutilates, maims, and destroys the bodies of women, and does so through sexualized violence. Sexualized violence renders violence invisible (a quote from Gail Dines). Which is also to say: sexualized violence renders dehumanization invisible. As Andrea Dworkin consistently points out, regarding rape culture and the patriarchy, the message of sexualized violence, no matter what horrifying thing is being done to any individual woman, is always crystal clear: "She wants it. They all do." The victim is always to blame. "She wants it. They all do."I liked this book even though I don’t think it was as groundbreaking or tightly argued as her books The Will to Change or All About Love. For the first 70% of Communion, I felt that bell hooks made several strong and interesting points about women, gender, and relationships: that women are taught to search for love in romantic relationships, that women are also capable of perpetuating sexism and patriarchy, and that men who may advocate for racial justice or even gender equality may still enact sexism in contexts such as sexual relationships. I agree with other reviewers who state that hooks generalizes her points a bit much at times. While I didn’t mind that rhetorical technique when she used it either more accurately or more sparingly in her other books, in Communion it stood out to me more in a negative way, perhaps because I also found that her points blurred together and were a little discursive within chapters at times.