It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand

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Creative Live founder Chase Jarvis talks about whether a financially successful, able bodied white male is really allowed to feel grief or exhaustion.

This week on It’s OK, we cover love, sex, marriage, divorce, grief, shame, assumptions (both internal and external), and personal agency - it’s QUITE the conversation.Practical guidance for managing stress, improving sleep, and decreasing anxiety without trying to “fix” your pain

it, not covering your discomfort with a pithy “think positive” emoticon. Being brave is letting pain unfurl and take up all the space it needs. Being brave is telling that story. It’s terrifying. And it’s beautiful. Those are the stories we need. THERE’S EVEN MORE TO THE STORY … We’ve covered a lot of cultural territory in this chapter. That wider lens can help you feel more normal, and less crazy, inside your grief. It can also help you as you search for professional and personal support in your grief—identifying those who don’t necessarily adhere to the stages model or the cultural narrative of transformation is a great starting point. If you want to dive even deeper into our collective avoidance of pain and the far-reaching, and surprising, roots of grief shaming, head over to chapter 4. If it feels like too much for right now (early grief really does mess with your ability to take in information), go right to chapter 5. There, you’ll find the new vision of grief support and what living your grief well might look like. In this special encore episode, Sandy Hook parent survivor Nelba Márquez-Greene and I discuss what cries of “release the photos!” means to survivors who have already had their private lives invaded, and their peoples’ images co-opted for others’ use. Why is it so hard to talk about devastating collective events - like AIDS and COVID - once the initial danger is over? First, many people believe that every single thing happens for a reason – but this isn’t true. A healthy person could be alive this morning, only to suddenly die at noon. We are also constantly told that death is a lesson for personal or spiritual growth. But telling a grieving mother that her child’s death is something to learn from implies that her parenting is up for correction. That’s probably not the meaning people The main goals of Transactional Analysis as a framework are to learn to analyse our relationships with one another in terms of TA and to develop our ability to engage in straight, effective communication with one another on a daily basis. The Ego State ModelWe're re-releasing some of our favorite episodes from the first 3 seasons of It’s OK that You’re Not OK. Whether an “innocent” mention of the stages of grief really matters in a movie or tv show (shout out to Netflix: HMU!) This week, the activist, and best-selling author of See No Stranger joins me to talk about love, action, and the power of wonder in the face of impossible things.

If you’ve ever wanted to write the story of your life - including the messy, difficult parts like divorce, miscarriage, and the loss of identity - this episode is for you. Practical guidance for managing stress, improving sleep, and decreasing anxiety without trying to "fix" your pain I have benefitted greatly from exploring Devine’s perspective. In my work co-facilitating grief support groups through Hospice of Humboldt, I am always searching for new and better ways to understand the experiences of the people I serve, as well as language with which to help them articulate their experiences. I now open our sessions with a line from Devine’s closing chapter: “I’m so sorry you have need of this place, and I’m so glad you’re here” (235). Exposed to all that is lost, she sings with a stray girl who is also herself, her amulet. ALEJANDRA PIZARNIK For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love. CARL SAGAN I spent the last 20 years organizing my life around hate and I want to spend the next 20 years organizing around love. The pain of the world is the pain of the world, regardless.” - Valarie Kaur

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Where the stages of grief came from, and why their creator was Less Than Pleased with what happened next Provocation or come-on encourages and confirms our script belief, coming from the demon in the Parent. FOREWORD There is a twin paradox in being human. First, no one can live your life for you—no one can face what is yours to face or feel what is yours to feel—and no one can make it alone. Secondly, in living our one life, we are here to love and lose. No one knows why. It is just so. If we commit to loving, we will inevitably know loss and grief. If we try to avoid loss and grief, we will never truly love. Yet powerfully and mysteriously, knowing both love and loss is what brings us fully and deeply alive. Having known love and loss deeply, Megan Devine is a strong and caring companion. Having lost a loved one, she knows that life is forever changed. There is no getting over it, but only getting under it. Loss and grief change our landscape. The terrain is forever different and there is no normal to return to. There is only the inner task of making a new and accurate map. As Megan so wisely says, “We’re not here to fix our pain, but to tend to it.” The truth is that those who suffer carry a wisdom that the rest of us need. And given that we live in a society that is afraid to feel, it’s important to open each other to the depth of the human journey, which can only be known through the life of our feelings. Ultimately, the true bond of love and friendship is knit by how much we can experience love and loss together, without judging or pushing each other; not letting each other drown in the deep or rescuing each other from the baptism of soul that waits there. As Megan affirms, “Real safety is in entering each other’s pain, [and] recognizing ourselves inside it.” Our work, alone and together, is not to minimize the pain or loss we feel, but to investigate what these life-changing incidents are opening in us. I have learned through my own pain and grief that to be broken is no reason to see all things as broken. And so, the gift and practice of being human centers What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? / The world would split open.” - feminist poet Muriel Rukeyser