How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7

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Tell your kids how you’re feeling. Examples: “I worry that you’ll get hurt,” “I get upset when kids hit each other,” “I don’t like it when...” (69-71). Try not to blame while saying it; avoid saying “you” and strong words like “furious.” I tried it: “I feel sad when kids don’t finish their food.” FAIL. Kid made excuses. Tried it another time: “I worry that you’ll step in poop when running through the grass on your hands and knees.” Kid replied, “I’m not going to step in poop!” FAIL. Tactics for handling shy kids: prepare the child for what to expect before meeting with new people; have the new people be playful with the child but not demanding; give the child tasks to do instead of pressuring her to be social; don’t label the kid as shy; say to the new people that the child will talk or play when ready (313-315). If a kid won’t say hi, ask the kid to wave instead (317). The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.” If you’re in a rush in the morning and struggle to get your kids ready to go in time, put your kids to bed in their next-day clothes instead of pajamas (236). My son ALWAYS takes forever to eat his dinner. It’s a constant battle with him. I’m always telling him “Eat another bite of your food.” “Three more bites.” “Why are you taking so long to eat?” “You can’t just drink juice, you need food too.” It’s gotten exhausting. But I used a tool where I was playful with him. I made dinner into a game and said “I don’t think you can eat your potatoes before me!” So then it was whoever could eat their potatoes first. I let him win of course, which made him absolutely thrilled. He also cleaned off his plate, which NEVER happens! And even more astonishing, he even reached for seconds! I had a proud mama moment.

Make it about you. Since you’re already talking to your kid about their emotions (you are, right?), talk about your own while you’re at it. Make sure they understand how their behavior makes you feel and how it affects you.The younger the child, the shorter and simpler your directives should be. Consider your child’s level of understanding. For example, a common error parents make is asking a three-year-old, “Why did you do that?” Most adults can’t always answer that question about their behavior. Try instead, “Let’s talk about what you did.” 13. When You Talk to Kids, Speak Socially Correct When your kid does something wrong, instead of getting mad or punishing, ask the kid what to do to fix it (102-103). The problem is that kids often enjoy the fixing as well as the destruction/mess. So there is no incentive for them to not cause the destruction/mess in the future. Don’t bullshit them when you don’t know something; encourage them to ask friends or family who might have a better answer.

Give the child choices between two pleasant things that you are okay with, both of which have the end result of you getting what you want (53-57). This one worked for me. Make sure you have a short explanation of what the problem is. The problem statement has to be short and touch on how that problem affects you as the parent. Simplicity is key at this stage. The classic business statement is: “I’m not sure we’re asking the right questions, solving the right problem.” You can reason with a two or three-year-old, especially to avoid power struggles. “Get dressed so you can go outside and play.” Offer a reason for your request that is to the child’s advantage and one that is difficult to refuse. This gives her a reason to move out of her power position and do what you want her to do. 7. Be Positive When You Talk to Kids Reading this book, I’ve felt really guilty. All the things in this book that they’re telling you NOT to do, are exactly what I was doing before. I was using rewards, I was using threats, I was using the timeout corner. I was using all these different methods and still pulling my hair out because they weren’t working. But I love how this book also sympathizes with the parents. The authors are parents as well and have been in your shoes. They tell you that it’s okay to be angry from time to time, it only means you’re human. They reassure you that it’s not too late to instill these new rules to create a more loving and trusting household. First we ran out of bananas. I was looking at a complete meltdown and in reaction I used one of the first things mentioned in the book: Write a shopping list. My husband thought I was crazy, but within seconds meltdown was averted, and my daughter was just happily pointing at the word Banana and my bad drawing on our list. Next day, another meltdown because breakfast wasn't ready fast enough. So I went all over the top, just like the book recommended. "Noooooo breakfast isn't done yet! And we really need that bread! Oh noooo look at this I'm almost done!"I enjoyed the chapter on giving praise, and learned how descriptive praise is best, and sometimes a general “you did great” when they did not is a little anxiety inducing. One of the keys to successful problem solving is to wait for a time when the mood is right. It can’t be done in the midst of frustration and anger. After the storm has passed, invite your child to sit down with you.”

Contrived consequences like time-outs and grounding can modify behavior in the short term, but they don’t teach a kid much because you don’t get any buy-in from the kid. It’s a top-down system that demoralizes when what you really want is to enlighten and instruct. Give information about the problem rather than accusations. Instead of saying, “You’re ruining the floor,” try “Water on the floor can seep through and ruin the ceiling below.” Painting visual pictures in the minds of your audience will get them far more into your mindset and ideas then otherwise. Visual hooks are a powerful persuasion technique. Pretending to fly in public might be embarrassing but it beats yelling at your kid! Make a list to help kids stay on task and not get distracted (190). Draw pictures on the list for those who can’t read.Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset. He may not be able to express it clearly in words.”