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Boundary enforcement is certainly difficult as a leader. What makes it even harder is that enforcing boundaries may disappoint people. But at this level, leaders cannot focus on making everybody happy all the time. About the Author: Henry Cloud is an American Christian author. He holds a BS in psychology from Southern Methodist University and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Biola University. Boundaries Derive From God’s Nature Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. If I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. However, if I do not “own” my life, my choices and options become very limited. Independently of one’s religious creed and fully respecting Cloud’s writing, knowledge, and beliefs, I always wish for more data, more psychology, and fewer scripture references. PROS
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition by Dr. Henry Cloud
Does your life feel like it's out of control? Perhaps you feel like you have to say yes to everyone's requests. Maybe you find yourself readily taking responsibility for others' feelings and problems. Or perhaps you focus so much on being loving and unselfish that you've forgotten your own limits and limitations. Or maybe it's all of the above. Set boundaries on your desire to save one another from their defects in character . If you’re the outspoken type, don’t make your partner’s life easier by doing all the talking. Support, but don’t swoop in and save them. Well, he doesn’t think he has a problem,” they replied. “Maybe he’s right,” I said, to their surprise. “Tell me about it.” They recited a history of problems that had begun at a very young age. Bill had never been “quite up to snuff” in their eyes. In recent years he had exhibited problems with drugs and an inability to stay in school and find a career. It was apparent that they loved their son very much and were heartbroken over the way he was living. They had tried everything they knew to get him to change and live a responsible life, but all had failed. He was still using drugs, avoiding responsibility, and keeping questionable company. Ascertain that your romantic connection is based on both love and honesty. Encourage each other to improve. You may be adding to each other’s laziness if your relationship is one of absolute ease.
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They told me that they had always given him everything he needed. He had plenty of money at school so “he wouldn’t have to work and he would have plenty of time for study and a social life.” When he flunked out of one school, or stopped going to classes, they were more than happy to do everything they could to get him into another school, “where it might be better for him.” Take a firm stance that you are more interested about the status of your own self than the state of your partner’s. God is a distinct being, separate from his own creations as well and he is responsible for himself. He tells us what he likes and dislikes, who he is, and who is not. People who cannot accept our “nos”, the people whom you probably don’t want in your life, will disappear. Look within yourself and wonder why you have such strong reactions. Do they remind you of your mother or father?
Henry Cloud on Boundaries Dr. Henry Cloud on Boundaries
And if you sow badly by drinking, smoking, and spending more than you earn, than chances are you will reap poorly. Those who can’t respect our boundaries are telling us that they don’t love our nos. They only love our yeses, our compliance. “I only like it when you do what I want. Real-Life ApplicationsWhat do you mean, ‘boundaries’?” the father asked. “Look at it this way. It is as if he’s your neighbor, who never waters his lawn. But, whenever you turn on your sprinkler system, your water only falls on his lawn. Your grass is turning brown and dying, but Bill looks down at his green grass and thinks to himself, ‘My yard is doing fine.’ That’s how your son’s life is. He doesn’t study, or plan, or work, yet he has a nice place to live, plenty of money, and all the rights of a family member who is doing his part. Differentiate between attraction to an individual depending on your deficiencies, or someone else’s attraction to you based on their deficiencies, and attraction to a person’s distinctiveness and uniqueness.
Boundaries By Henry Cloud (A Brief Summary - OptimistMinds Boundaries By Henry Cloud (A Brief Summary - OptimistMinds
The second purpose of boundaries is to keep us safe. Boundaries keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. We can expose ourselves to toxic and damaging influences and persons if we don’t set firm boundaries. There is always safety in the truth, whether it be knowing God’s truth or knowing the truth about yourself.If you’re in a relationship that’s dangerous, don’t use boundaries to break it; instead, use them to rescue it. And you start attracting high-quality people who can accept your “no” instead without resorting to anger, manipulation or taking it personally. Our upcoming workshop on Codependency is on sale through February 15th! Go to https://boundaries.me/breakfree to sign up and get more details.
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