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Her Good Inside approach has strengthened my resolve to trust my adult kids, to listen far more than I speak, to prioritize understanding them over convincing them of the rightness of my own ideas, and has helped me tremendously in supporting my kids when they are wrestling with challenges in life. Attachment issues can also result in unwanted behaviors like sibling rivalry or lying. Usually, in these cases, a child fears losing their connection with you or losing their place in the world. Connect with your child, empathize with them, and tell the truth. Remember that the goal isn’t to end the behavior, but to make it safe for them to stop the behavior on their own. I read this book last month and felt like I had way too many thoughts to squeeze into a blurb for my Friday morning newsletter (sign up here if you’re not already!). I decided to put together a blog post reviewing the book. I’m also going to share some of the biggest things I learned from it. However, it shortly dives off the deep end, making the parent completely responsible for the emotional world of their children. In each of these examples, parents are asking their kids to inhibit an urge or desire that, frankly, they are developmentally incapable of inhibiting.”
Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent - Paminy Summary: Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent - Paminy
By focusing and obsessing about behavior modification, we impute that behavior onto our children’s identity. In other words, our reactions to their transient behaviors get internalized into their identities which can be extremely harmful and toxic and can last well into their adulthood. The obsession with fixing their problems and focusing on happiness being the optimum state ill-prepares children to navigate their emotions. If we shame away emotions of distress, this translates into adulthood anxiety because we’ve created an adult who suddenly doesn’t have someone to enforce happiness and they can’t achieve it themselves so they are left with anxiety, dread and depression.
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As a parent, your first goal is safety. If you need to physically remove the child or restrain them, that’s part of your job. Hold the boundaries. Say to your child, I won’t let you hit your sister. The words I won’t let you are powerful because they tell your child that they can count on you. That you’re a safe person who’ll keep them and others safe. In part one, Kennedy emphasizes the importance of the emotional health of the parent. She argues that parents who are emotionally healthy are better equipped to raise emotionally healthy children. Kennedy offers several strategies for improving emotional health, including mindfulness practices, self-care, and seeking support from friends and family. Kennedy also discusses the importance of setting boundaries and managing stress, both of which can improve the overall well-being of the parent. Part Two: The Emotional Health of the Child This is one of those books that you can read or listen to over and over again, and you'll hear something new every single time. What I would give to have had this book when I was raising our four kids...it would have been a total game changer! But even now, it has really empowered me to do transformative repair with my children over things I missed, or things I didn't get just right with them. If you are longing to have a deeper, more emotionally safe connection with your adult kids, this is a phenomenal place to start. Parenting in ‘two things are true’ mode can help guide us to becoming sturdier adults… I can say no to screen time and my child can be upset about it; I can be angry that my child lied and be curious about what felt too scary to tell me; I can see my child’s anxieties as irrational and still be empathetic around what she needs. And perhaps most powerful of all: I can yell and be a loving parent, I can mess up and repair, I can regret things I’ve said and do better in the future.” Know your job
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Book Summary: Born to Win by Zig Ziglar with Tom Ziglar In “Born to Win,” Zig Ziglar and his son Tom Ziglar share their wisdom and insights on how to live a successful and fulfilling life. The book is divided into… Minimizing anxiety around food is sometimes more important than the consumption of that food. Give dessert alongside the meal to lower the states and take sweets down from the pedestal (I do this with my daughter and it works extremely well. She loves treats but doesn’t hyperfocus on them and has never thrown a tantrum when I’ve said no to a treat). Tantrums can actually be good because they teach children to advocate for themselves. They are just a tsunami of unregulated emotion. Containment is key during a tantrum, not engaging with logic. You contain and connect and then talk once talk once the tantrum has passed. Name the wish underneath the tantrum which helps with immediate connection. Remember these words during an unsafe tantrum “I won’t let you…” because it gives them the boundaries that they are seeking. Here are examples of ‘not’ boundaries, but instead ways we essentially ask our kids to do our jobs for us.” Despite the sunny cover and branding, it's still conceptually quite guilt/damage heavy. It's all about 'repairing' the damage. 'Rewiring' your kid. I don't find this metaphor that helpful, it's a bit guilt-inducing and permeates the book.If your child has no intrinsic motivation to complete something, you can either bully them (authoritarian parenting), or you can provide extrinsic motivation (authoritative parenting), or you let them skip it (permissive parenting). All of this leads to the final piece of the foundation you need for building better relationships with your children: know your job. Know that it’s your job to hold boundaries, but it’s not your job to change your child’s feelings. There’s no one right way to repair, though there are baseline to-dos: Say you’re sorry, share your reflections, and say what you plan to do differently in the future. It’s important to take ownership of your role instead of insinuating that your child “made you” react a certain way.
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