Daft Dictionary (Microfax Jokes Books)

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He is bald. 78. If an electric train is moving north at 100 mph and a wind is blowing west at 10 mph, which way does the smoke blow? Walk on the living, they don’t even mumble. Walk on the dead, they mutter and grumble. What are they? She fell off the bottom rung. 7. What starts with “e” and ends with “e” but only has one letter in it? Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.” – Harry Hill The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much'” Andrew Bird (2008)

An electric train has no smoke. 79. How is it possible for every single person to die in a plane crash but two people survived? Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it. If Sally had 4 piles of sand and Judy had 5 piles of sand, and they put them all together, how many piles would there be?

60 Bad Dad Jokes

Bookkeeper 104. There are eight men sitting on a couch. Three legs break off and six men leave. How many legs are remaining? If you don’t know what Morris dancing is, imagine eight guys from the KKK got lost, ended up at gay pride and just tried to style it out.” Fin Taylor (2016) My friend said she was giving up drinking from Monday to Friday. I’m just worried she’s going to dehydrate” Kerri Godliman (2008) What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh” Milton Jones (2019)

Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.” Adam Rowe (2018) An anchor. 93. Which English word holds the same pronunciation even if you take away four out of its five letters? Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired.” Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop (2014)Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside. Breath. 31. Two mothers and two daughters went out to eat, everyone ate one slice of pizza, yet only three slices were eaten. How’s that possible? A ton. 59. A girl leaves home and turns left three times, only to return home facing two guys wearing masks. Who are the two guys? There is one more penny in 1968 than in 1967. 103. What English word has three consecutive double letters?

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'” – Tim Vine Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him” Carey Marx (2008) My Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up ‘Wait until your dad gets home’. ‘Wait until your dad gets home, we’ll have a chat introduce you and see if he’ll start paying maintenance'” Hayley Ellis (2016) I learned about method acting at drama school, when all my classmates stayed in character as posh, patronising twats for the entire three years I was there.” Bridget Christie (2015) Survivors are not buried. 70. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men?

The baby, since he is a little Bigger. 91. A man lives on the 100th floor of an apartment building. On rainy days, he rides the elevator all the way up. However, on sunny days, he only goes up halfway and then takes the stairs the rest of the way. Why is this? I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.” Hayley Ellis (2012) I’ve always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter. Which has confused a lot of guys that have tried to start fights with me. They’ll raise their fists, I’ll whip my knob out.” Mark Nelson (2015) Tim Vine has won the award for funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe twice (Photo: Getty) I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.” Caroline Mabey (2017)