Hurt People Hurt People: Hope and Healing for Yourself and Your Relationships

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They don’t even whisper like eyes looking through glasses, “Be careful, for without my glass crutch I would be lost.” Why do hurt people hurt people? He who fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster,” as Nietzsche so deliciously put it. Or take Alexander Solzhenitsyn’s wise appraisal of the line between good and evil (I like to imagine him saying this in a sudden outburst among polite company at a dinner party): “If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?” And it’s key to realize that we become increasingly capable of acting from a place of love as we heal ourselves and increase our awareness. Only a person who is truly centered and clear within themselves can consistently meet the unconscious and hurtful words and behaviors of others with unwavering kindness and compassion. This is akin to a superpower.

This is why traumas often become multi-generational: When your father was an alcoholic abuser, you’re much more likely to enact that pattern yourself, pass it on to your kids, and on and on. I have seen, and have experienced myself, four forms of “justifiable” protection that eventually harm everyone we would love or who would love us. Awareness of our defensiveness and admission of our defensiveness can be the first movements of returning to full life again. 1. We defend ourselves from pain through resignation. The defense of compromise communicates the following: “I will give myself to emotional risk based on the amount of risk you take.” While it seems logical at first, compromise in a relationship is a form of demanding that the other person has to prove herself or himself over and over again, and it is never enough. The other person has the experience of never being able to do enough. “I will give 50% if you will give 50%,” never adds up to 100%. Although that process may work in business, it is destructive to loving relationships. Healthy relationships require that a person be 100% emotionally involved, with the daring hope that the other person will also join. 4. We defend ourselves, finally, through cowardice. Blaming someone’s current actions solely on their past experiences is not necessarily fair or accurate. While past traumas can have a significant impact on an individual’s behavior and emotions in present-day situations – everyone must have agency over themselves. Accountability should always take place despite past events. Yes, “ hurt people hurt people ” may currently be a trend among the human race, but please, allow yourself to understand this — you have the power to change all of it.There is an old truism that says “hurt people hurt people.” And right now we are living in a world that constantly lifts up, represents, records, shares, and in so many other ways documents people who are hurting. At one and the same time this world also lifts up, represents, records, shares, and in so many other ways documents how we seek to punish those who do the hurting. Hurt people hurt people. To hell with these people. They are the reason my life is bad. They are the reason I can’t succeed. It’s not me or my shortcomings. It’s these other people.” Desmond and Mpho Tutu write, in The Book of Forgiving, that “there is nothing that cannot be forgiven, and there is no one undeserving of forgiveness … In our own ways, we are all broken. Out of that brokenness, we hurt others. Forgiveness is the journey we take toward healing the broken parts. It is how we become whole again.” On Thursday night a helicopter hovered overhead as police in riot gear used shields and batons to clear a crowd down O’Connell Street, Dublin’s main thoroughfare. At the other end, by O’Connell Bridge, flames rose from the remains of a bus and a car.

Love, love, love! That’s all you have to know to be a healer,” wrote the visionary Mary Baker Eddy. Actually, let me take this even one step further as we go ahead and completely redesign the framework of this concept. Let us expand upon these four words, such that they paint a more realistic picture of their inherent truths.Empathy is a learned skill, and it is shaped by our own environment and life experiences. So if your partner is willing to change how they relate with others, this problem can be resolved with proper communication. 2. You try to gain control as protection

Perhaps the solution is not to destroy a piece of our hearts, but rather to see that “good” and “evil” correspond closely with “healed” and “hurt.” Perhaps the solution is to bring the hurt, shadowy parts of ourselves into the light of awareness—to accept, integrate, and love these wounded pieces of ourselves, thereby neutralizing, healing, or transmuting them. Jung’s words come to mind: “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” You may also learn them from parents who were likewise unable to communicate well. Your poor communication skills are difficult to overcome, especially if you don’t realize this problem is yours to fix. 4. Fear of Rejection These people show compassion and empathy that only someone who has been hurt can truly offer. They hold out their arms, extend their table and offer an ear whenever it is needed. No matter what.Many people get so wrapped up in their own pain that they forget to try to heal and move forward. Instead, they get trapped in their own negative mental spaces where any small amount of light that tries to shine in just gets snuffed out.

I went to church with a sorrowful heart. Saddened that I would feel such ugly, vile feelings, and sadder still with the realization that because of the hurt I felt, I could inflict that pain on someone else. Yet in that service, through the worship and scripture, I was assured that God had come to rid me of that wart of imperfection and to comfort my hurts. I walked out of that service with a much softer heart. One might wonder, “Wouldn’t such people be more likely to understand how shitty it was to be hurt in that way and therefore more determined to avoid enacting the same behavior?”As it says in The Kybalion, “We are all on The Path—and the road leads upward ever, with frequent resting places.” A police cordon was set up around the Irish parliament building, Leinster House, and officers from the Garda Mounted Support Unit were in nearby Grafton Street.