The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent

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The Wheel of Consent is a model of interaction that is based on exchanges of touch but applies to much more. It sheds light on troublesome and confusing interactions and clears them up. It turns out to describe the fundamental dynamics of most human relating. In this definitive book Betty guides the reader through the Wheel of Consent framework, and shares practices to help recover the ability to notice what you want and set clear boundaries. Join us for a six-week online course on the Wheel of Consent® – a powerful practice to improve the quality of your relationships and create clear agreements to experience satisfying connection to yourself and others. It is simple, subtle, and profound.

The Wheel of Consent also applies to non-touch situations. Here’s an example: I ask Sally to come with me to a friend’s party, and Sally replies, ‘Yes, I will’. Now let’s consider ‘Who is this for?’ Here are four possibilities: Dr. Betty Martin has adapted a simple exercise (from a game originally invented by Harry Faddis, which he called the ‘Three Minute Game’ ) in which we can practice having a direct physical experience of each of the Wheel of Consent’s quadrants in turn. This game helps many people really ‘get’ the quadrants at a deeper level than just having a conceptual understanding of them. However, the practice of sharing touch with others is not always possible or preferred, in which case there is still a great deal that can be learned through the conceptual understanding alone. The course is open to anyone interested in learning the Wheel, and our intention is for this to be a safer space that is inclusive. However, we recognize that this offering will not meet everyone’s needs. We feel that it is responsible to name that our capacity to provide a safe and supportive learning experience for BIPOC is limited by our whiteness. This course will be taught by white-conditioned, white-privileged instructors and the demographics of the participant cohort may be predominantly white. As facilitators and as humans, we are committed to unlearning and waking up to the ways in which we are unconscious of racism and participate in its patterns so that we may better serve our community.The last example can happen all too easily in life! Notice also that in the third example, it’s neither just for me, nor just for Sally, but for both of us. But without asking the question ‘Who is it for?’ we might not both realise this. And Sally’s response to my question will almost certainly depend on her assumptions about which of the above scenarios she thinks is happening. Is for anyone who is interested in learning more about themselves and improving the quality of their relationships – with intimate partners, friends, parents, children, or colleagues Over decades of working with clients Betty Martin, the creator of the Wheel Of Consent, discovered there was a major component missing for people — the confidence that we have a choice about what is happening to us. Join us for this 8-week workshop series on the Wheel of Consent® – a powerful practice to improve the quality of your relationships and create clear agreements to experience satisfying connection to yourself and others.

Dr. Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent is a model of relating which brings clarity and greater authenticity to all areas of life: with work colleagues, with friends and family, and in our most intimate relationships. It distinguishes between the ‘doing’ aspect of an interaction: who is doing? - and the ‘gift’ aspect: who is it for? Asking these two questions together creates four possible dynamics, each of which has a different flavour, and requires a different type of consent agreement to be made. This is the central insight of the Wheel of Consent, from which many consequences and insights flow. An interesting side-note here is that, if you ask heterosexual men and women which quadrant they feel they are mostly in during sex, men often say they are mostly in Giving, whilst women often say they are mostly in Allowing. In other words, both partners think what’s happening is mostly for the other person, which means that neither of them is getting what they really want! The truth is that many of us struggle to fully communicate our desires, or clearly state our boundaries, or take full ownership of our own capacity for pleasure and intimacy. Consent of all kinds is about so much more than simply saying 'yes' or 'no'. The Wheel of Consent was included in my Sexological Bodywork training and I subsequently trained with Betty Martin and Robyn Dalzen, both as a Practitioner (Like a Pro) and Facilitator of the Wheel of Consent (Facilitator Training). The Wheel of Consent changed my life. I went from ‘giving to get’ and manipulating my way into trying (and often failing) to get my needs met, to feeling empowered to know what I want and to be able to clearly ask for it AND to be able to receive a ‘no’ as a gift rather than a sign of how terrible/needy (insert your own word here) I was. This was a huge turn around for me personally and in my work with men.

We will engage in a radical inquiry into and practice of the nature of receiving and giving, the nature of consent, knowing what you want, and how to communicate it. This deeply nuanced way to practice consent as an agreement brings integrity, responsibility, and empowerment into all human interactions.