Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have: And Why the Washing-Up Matters

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If you approach your arguments as, ‘This is where I’m going to prove that I’m right, and I’m going to win this argument,’ you will just keep having them again and again,” she says. “And that’s no fun for anyone, particularly not your kids.” And we offer support and solidarity to parents over at the Facebook community I run, The Village – A Parenting Community for Humans ( https://www.facebook.com/groups/visforvillage) Don’t underestimate the power of saying sorry. Sorry can be broader than “I was wrong”; it can also be used powerfully to say: “I’m sorry I made you feel like that.” Jo Harrison is FLiP’s in house therapist. She is extremely experienced in working with individuals and couples, including partners who are separating. Jo previously practiced as a lawyer, before becoming a couple therapist. Jo has featured in The Times and The Saturday Times talking about the value of couple therapy and she has made appearances on ITV’s This Morning (the Relationship Clinic) and Marina Fogle’s The Parent Hood. Using sound advice and relatable case studies, Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have and Why The Washing Up Matters offers practical ideas and imaginative ways of putting ourselves and our partners first. It has been described as the ‘indispensable guide to re-thinking our relationships’ while Susie Orbach calls it ‘Marvellous first aid for couples’.

TRUE and FALSE What’s most interesting about cheating, says Real, isn’t why someone does it – that’s obvious (it’s exciting, it’s sexy, it’s a thrill). No: the interesting thing is why someone doesn’t do it. “Cheating is always selfish: it’s always about overriding what you should do. So if you’ve learned from it and moved on, then no, you won’t necessarily be a cheater again. But your partner might never feel 100% assured you won’t do it again. It’s important to understand that.” Marriage is just a piece of paper FALSE Even for an experienced therapist like Joanna Harrison, it’s often not clear whether a couple are going to make it through. “Individuals have different thresholds for what they can deal with in a relationship,” she says. “There are no absolutes, no moment where it has to be all over.” You need to have lots in common Even though you are no longer in a couple relationship, you are still modelling a relationship to your children. Matthew Fray says: “What is best for children is modelling healthy treatment of others to help them develop good relationships themselves” You might desperately want things to feel settled, but there are lots of new things to put in place. So slow down. It’ll take time (one to two years) for things to feel more resolved so allow yourself space for that. And being curious about them,” she says. “You really may not understand why [the dispute] is such an issue for your partner. You may think, why are they going on about this? But if you just think it’s silly to make such an issue out of it, you miss something important.”Don’t expect to feel the same about what needs doing. One of you may think the house needs to be tidier; the other may think this isn’t an issue. This probably isn’t going to go away unless you both change your expectations of what is actually possible.

Either it’s: My relationship partner loves me, and I can trust them because the things they do and say are constantly reinforcing that I’m seen, heard, respected, and cared for. My partner’s actions add up to the experience of feeling loved. FALSE So often, says Terrence Real, family therapist and author of Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, rows happen because one or both partners have been drinking, or they’re not feeling good, or it’s late and you’re both tired. “What I say is: you’re not going to resolve anything tonight. Go to bed, and the next morning have a cup of tea together and talk it through.” All relationships are about the cycle of closeness, disruption and return to closeness. “Our culture worships the harmony phase, but a good relationship thrives on surviving the mess. The work of intimacy is the collision of imperfections, and how we manage those.” It’s wrong to flirt with other people Her new book is an essential read for couples and individuals who are experiencing difficulties in their relationships – from how they communicate to what roles they take on and much more (including difficulties about the washing up!).

Most fights are horrible, but these entry-level spats, if you will, feel manageable. Buoyed by Harrison’s encouragement, I currently have five of my own, in various stages of their life cycle, on the go. I’m not sure what deeper truths they express, but they are:

Engage together with the boundaries you want around phones and social media rather than getting irritated about it all the time. For example, some people find it helpful if their partner signals how long they are planning to spend on their phone. My experience of working with these tensions (tensions also familiar to me from my own relationship and those of my friends) inspired my recent book Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have And Why The Washing Up Matters in which I suggest that rather than thinking arguments are to be avoided at all costs, some arguments can offer the relationship the potential to grow, because they flag up issues that need attention. Don’t see having to talk about your sex life as a failure – see it as an opportunity to understand each other better and connect better to each other’s bodies and the feelings around them, as well as to nip in the bud unhelpful narratives. Remember there’s no “right” way to have a sex life, as long as it’s safe and consensual. As one parent told me: “There have been so many different emotions and phases since separating. The immediate phase after separation felt unbearable, and isolating. In the next stage, I started to learn about and set (and keep resetting) boundaries. This set the foundation for moving forward and regaining agency in my life. The current phase I’m in has an underlying sense of confidence and tenacity.” In my experience these arguments are never fully resolved; life brings opportunities to rehash them (Photo: StefaNikolic/ Getty)Perfect for a trivia night or a long trip, #TrainTeasers will both test your knowledge of this country`s rail system and enlighten you on the most colourful aspects of its long history. Meet trunk murderers, trainspotters, haters of railways, railway writers, Ministers for Transport good and bad, railway cats, dogs and a railway penguin. This is NOT a book for number-crunching nerds. Many of the answers are guessable by the intelligent reader. It is a quiz, yes, but also a cavalcade of historical incident and colour relating to a system that was the making of modern Britain. But there’s scope for personal growth for even the most evolved among us (what, after all, is more evolved than silently WhatsApping pictures of the overflowing bin to a friend as your eyelid twitches involuntarily?). I want to get better at conflict. I don’t expect to enjoy it, but like kale or exercise, tolerating the unpleasantness has long-term benefits. An online poll in 2012 suggested that couples who argue “effectively” are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who don’t. The people we live with thoughtfully foster our personal development daily, filling our favourite mug with WD40, piling washing in a mouldering heap TRUE You can be playful with someone, says Real, “but if you look into their eyes, there’s a difference between the shades being down – ‘shop closed’ – and the signal ‘come hither’. And if you’re using the sexual energy between you and someone else to feel excited, that’s like a mini-affair.” The rule is this, says Real: if your partner could hear you, and the way you’re speaking would upset them, it’s not OK. People can’t change Bread goes in, not on, the bread bin. I have basically lost this. The bread bin is now a mere bread display unit (much as the biscuit tin is now just a hiding place for stuff I’m keeping to myself).