The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control

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The obvious question is, how do you adapt to perfectionism? We’ll get to that answer– but first, let’s meet the 5 Types of Perfectionists – classic, Parisian, procrastinator, messy, and intense. The Five Types

Some books will advise you to murder your perfectionism. You will be told it’s an illness that needs to be cured. You will be advised to purposely miss deadlines, run late, and color outside the lines. Perfectionists hear the directive to be more compassionate with themselves as the fluffy warm-up to the actual advice, but self-compassion is the real solution. They’re confused because they’re operating with a majorly watered-down idea of what self-compassion is in the first place. Self-compassion is not telling yourself, “It’s okay,” when things are not okay. Nor is self-compassion simply being polite to yourself, or talking to yourself as you would a friend. “Responding to stress with self-compassion is one of the most effective and powerful coping mechanisms available to us.” A valuable, much-needed perspective that gives you permission to be more in a world that’s telling you to be less.”

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I truly can't recommend this book highly enough. Written by a psychotherapist, The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control reframes perfectionism as something much more insidious than quirky, providing a deep dive into five different subtypes while questioning the elusive concept of 'finding balance' through a gently anti-capitalist/patriarchal lens.

Schafler offers workable strategies to help perfectionists stop overthinking and overdoing and move to a joyful place. She also weaves research and suggestions with insightful vignettes from her clients’ experiences. All of it exudes warmth and empathy. “Until you can meet yourself with some compassion, you’ll reject the good in your life,” she advises. When left unchallenged, the perfectionist mindset hooks itself on the motive to perfect (as opposed to improve upon or accept) that which could be made better. This impulse to enhance evolves into a belief that urgently wallpapers itself on all sides of the perfectionist's mind, including the ceiling and floor: "I need something to be different about this moment before I can be satisfied." I would say that if you feel roughed up right now, you are roughed up. We are roughed up as individuals, and as a culture. Which of the five types of perfectionist are you? Classic, intense, Parisian, messy, or procrastinator? As you identify your unique perfectionist profile, you'll learn how to manage each form of perfectionism to work for you, not against you. Beyond managing it, you'll learn how to embrace and even enjoy your perfectionism.Yes, enjoy! Schafler has treated hundreds of perfectionists in her private practice and recognizes that for many, perfectionism is rooted in a childhood of abuse, neglect or conditional love. It’s not as simple as just advising someone to lighten up. “Managing perfectionism by telling perfectionists to stop being perfectionists is like managing anger by telling people to ‘calm down,’” she writes. But the good news, according to Schafler, is that we can make perfectionism a tool in our lives by easing up on self-punishment, which she defines as hurting or denying yourself. We may think we are punishing ourselves to learn or grow, but we are actually just creating more fear and demoralization.

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Also, the systematic way of operating that classic perfectionists default to doesn't encourage a spirit of collaboration, flexibility, or openness to external influence-qualities that help us build connections. The risk of this interpersonal style is that it can unintentionally generate relationships that veer towards the superficial and transactional. In turn, classic perfectionists can be left feeling excluded, misunderstood, and underappreciated for all that they do. It’s Not that You Approach Your Life with Perfectionism; It’s that You Respond to Missteps with Self-Punishment Perfectionism is a power, and like every kind of power—wealth, words, beauty, love—if you don’t understand how to harness it correctly, it will corrupt your life. But perfectionism, when managed well, is a gift. To unleash your gifts, you’ve got to stop solving for the wrong problem. 2. You’ve been solving the wrong problem.

We put such pressure on ourselves to know exactly who we are and what we want in every moment; it’s okay for some things to be fuzzy’. Full of stories and brimming with humor, empathy, and depth, this book is a love letter to the ambitious, high achieving, full-of-life clients who filled the author's private practice, and who changed her life. It's a clarion call for all women to dare to want more without feeling greedy or ungrateful. Ultimately, this book will show you how to make the single greatest trade you'll ever make in your life, which is to exchange superficial control for real power. PDF / EPUB File Name: The_Perfectionists_Guide_to_Losing_Control_-_Katherine_Morgan_Schafler.pdf, The_Perfectionists_Guide_to_Losing_Control_-_Katherine_Morgan_Schafler.epubAuthor Katherine Morgan Schafler is a self-described perfectionist who specializes in working with perfectionists as a New York City psychotherapist. In The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, Schafler delves into layers of mental health issues that help support her theories on perfectionism. This book won’t go that deep. It will focus on Schafler’s five types of perfectionists, the number-one problem for all perfectionists, and how to adapt to your perfectionism successfully. Claire entered my office seamlessly, swaying through the door like a red velvet curtain at showtime on opening night; gloriously on cue. As is the case with classic perfectionists, there was something ceremonious about Claire, who at twenty-two had legally changed her name because the original spelling didn't include the e at the end, a detail that irked her intolerably. As she described to me, "From second grade on, every single time I wrote my name, I died a little on the inside. Cumulatively, I'm sure it's taken two years off my life, but it's fixed now." To restore yourself fully you will eventually need some passive relaxation, too – but that doesn’t have to be sunbathing with your eyes closed or taking a nap. Reading something simple, watching light movies, or taking your time eating a meal can all work as passive relaxation for the perfectionist. Conclusion I was the oldest child and loved to force my younger brothers into driveway summer school sessions, complete with my lessons and requiring them to finish whatever homework I gave them. As you can imagine, they “adored” these opportunities (insert their collective eye rolls here), and it was some of the first of many times I was called bossy. That phenomenon has continued throughout my career, social service, and relationships. Boasting a solid work ethic and patience to match, classic perfectionists can't help but be the teensiest bit smug about their style of control, which you can't really fault them for. (If I had zero crumbs and bits at the bottom of my bag, I would be beyond smug about it.)