The Charisma Myth: How to Engage, Influence and Motivate People

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A few interesting things come up in the discussion about handling obstacles. "Skillfully handling any difficult experience is a three-step process: destigmatise discomfort, neutralise negativity and rewrite reality." (Loc 735). The point is made that often we beat ourselves up for feeling bad about something, which of course makes everything worse. Destigmatising is simply remembering that whatever you're feeling is a normal part of being human. I also really like a quote about rewriting reality - "One charismatic entrepreneur told me: "I decide to interpret everything favourably toward myself. It's not just that I'm optimistic, I'm actually conveniently deluded. Why does this work? Once again, we can thank the brains' tendency to accept imagination as reality." I love the idea of "convenient delusion". I at least get so wrapped up in trying to think things through correctly, be right, predict correctly…but it does me no good in many cases because you can't know lots of things…bring on the convenient delusions, I say. Van Edwards ends the book with tips on visual cues, which might be a topic for her next book. Our eyes take in way more information than our ears, and we make a lot of decisions based on superficial, unconscious visual signals. Her three best practices for using cues for charisma include. The book is absolutely easy to read, and what makes it better is that the principles explained and ideas shared are just as easy to implement. The suggestions made, on how you can improve your cues, and how will it impact your growth won’t make you feel like you have to learn a new skill. It will definitely need practice to get used to, for sure. To truly understand the difference when your eyes are relaxed and open, go see the transformation for yourself.

One of the troubles with writing up book notes long after the book has been read is that only a vague impression remains. Having reviewed it now, though, I can say that I actually absorbed some of it (woohoo, this doesn't always happen!) and there's plenty of interesting things in it. The book also focuses on the ‘warmth’ aspect of charisma greatly, which we found valuable. Most people get so focused on appearing and acting charismatic that they forget the main idea behind trying to connect with people in the first place. One point that is made repeatedly is that you can't fake any of this. Whatever is in your mind will show in your face or body language and humans are built to interpret micro-expressions. So you have to believe the warmth you are exhibiting or it will come across as insincere.I was impressed with the format and organization of this book. Even though this wasn't a topic of particular interest, I will say that other non-fiction guides should follow this setup. There are plenty of exercises, charts, and visual aids designed to reinforce the content. The tips should help any reader practice attentive listening and avoid off-putting physical behavior. a) focus charisma - the ability to keenly listen, understand, and empathize with people so that they feel deeply understood One reason why birds and horses are not unhappy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses. #2 – Becoming a Person of Influence: How to Positively Impact the Lives of Others (by John C. Maxwell)

Self-compassion - self-acceptance. Positively correlated with emotional resilience, sense of personal responsibility, accountability, sense of connectedness, life satisfaction, positive relationships with others, self-confidence, willingness to admit errors, low self-pity, low depression, low anxiety, improved immune system functioning For example, most people know by now that crossing your arms and/or legs is a defensive position. I simply find these positions comfortable, so I have to actively remind myself to avoid them. In another example, when speaking to someone in person you should give them your full attention, not sit there and type or screw around with your phone (duh). Olivia Fox Cabane offers hands-on advice and a practical guide to humanizing leaders without comprising integrity or authority. She focused on the ‘it’ factors that can make a real difference.” c) kindness charisma - a powerful force that allows people to connect with others using loving kindness and unconditional regard

Success!

She makes a great point regarding uncertainty that I've actually held on to for these weeks. She writes "It's worth learning how to handle uncertainty, not just because it increases charisma but also because the ability to be comfortable with uncertainty and ambiguity turns out to be one of the strongest predictors of success in business." (Loc 580) The technique she most recommends for dealing with uncertainty is Responsibility Transfer - it is what it sounds like, visualising that a benevolent entity takes charge of whatever is worrying you. My impression is that it isn't so much about *believing* in a particular entity, rather it's about diverting your mind from chasing around in circles worrying about something over which you have little or no control. Vanessa Van Edwards is the only person writing about nonverbal communication styles today that I've seen, and her advice is valuable. Only 10-35% of our words gets through, and if it conflicts with the nonverbal parts, forget about it. Communication is critical, and in the internet age interpersonal communication is becoming harder because of social media that robs us of most of the nonverbal part, presenting instead a carefully curated but incomplete picture.