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Loving People Who Are Hard to Love: Transforming Your World by Learning to Love Unconditionally

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Moses pled with God to heal Miriam’s leprosy (Numbers 12:13). He begged God to forgive Israel’s unbelief when it was time to enter the Promised Land (Numbers 14:19). He lay prostrate before God, fasting forty days and nights after Aaron and the Israelites had made the golden calf to worship (Deuteronomy 9:13–18).

As stated above, it’s really hard to let your guard down and allow yourself to be vulnerable because it obviously increases the chances of getting hurt. However, that’s no reason to stay closed off from intimacy for the rest of your life. If you don’t want to be a woman that’s difficult to love, you’ll need to learn how to balance the ability to let people in with the desire to keep your heart protected. There’s a happy medium and it’s worth finding. 2. Be generous with your time and energy. Although our tendency is to want to steer clear of people with whom we have strained relationships, they are exactly the people we need to be intentionally moving toward. Find ways to engage them in conversation, meet them for coffee, send them a text. 4. Find specific ways to bless and encourage them. I don’t know how many years I prayed for God to change my husband Dave. In my mind, he was always the problem. Thank heaven, I finally learned the importance of adopting a humble attitude. When you are interacting with someone who is hard, try thinking about overlooking things for God's sake. God wants you to return good for evil. Stop doing it. It sounds easier than it is, but you have to take this problem seriously and get help. Why would you hurt yourself instead of showing yourself love? This is something that you need to work on for your own sake, not just for your partner. Talk to a therapist who could help you find ways to put a stop to your self-destructive behavior.So when we are faced with showing love to someone who is hard to love, we have to remember that their behavior is being influenced by someone other than God.

It’s easy to love our spouses, children, relatives, or friends, but what about those who rub us the wrong way or disagree with us? A relationship involves more than the other person— it also includes me. The only person I have control over is myself.I love this man fiercely. He married my mother and took on two little girls as his own. He’s a good man, but when he was younger things weren’t easy. He wanted us to be protected, so he taught us to be tough. Early on, we learned lessons about dealing with difficult people that my dad was proud of teaching, including these: Now I pray more like this: “God, I would like for you to change Dave. But Lord, I may not even see this right—I may be the problem. God, first deal with me if I need to change.” We never really know what is going on in someone’s life. Or why people are sometimes challenging to be around. When we give others the benefit of the doubt it makes it so much easier to love them. Jennifer Wise | Life Tales Books & Personal Publishing

Well, I believe a good place to begin is to stop thinking, “I can’t!” Because whatever the Lord commands us to do, He is going to give us the power of the Holy Spirit to accomplish it—and that includes loving and being good to difficult people! Some people believe they are unlovable and subconsciously set themselves on a path akin to a self-fulfilling prophecy.Tensions had arisen in the young church at Rome over sensitive issues, including what Christians should eat (or not). Some abstained from certain foods out of reverence for Christ. Some ate freely out of the same reverence for Christ (Romans 14:6). Both found it hard to love the other. They were tempted to despise each other (Romans 14:3), and pass judgment on each other (Romans 14:13). Paul charges both sides, “Let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding” (Romans 14:19). He says to prize one another over arguments about secondary matters, and passionately pursue one another toward greater and deeper peace when we share what’s most important. What does Paul say next in Romans 5? “Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings” (Romans 5:3) — including our difficult, broken, and contentious relationships. We do not merely tolerate or survive what (and who) we suffer, but we rejoice in our sufferings. Why? A clear sign you’re difficult to love is when “I love you” makes you see red, and not in a good way. For some reason, you just can’t believe anyone actually means it. The thought that someone is lying to you makes you angry. Even if they’re telling you the truth, you don’t want to hear it. You’re distrustful because of past experiences and trauma, but that shouldn’t determine your future. 5. Compromise isn’t in your vocabulary. This can be difficult. When we’re hurting, we want to call everyone we know and start gossiping—“Well, you just wouldn’t believe what they said to me!”

Part of the difficulty of loving others is that we often try to do it on our own, whipping up feelings of love where none exist. This can lead to hypocrisy and “play acting” the part of the loving person, when our hearts are really cold toward him or her. We must understand that we cannot love apart from God. It is when we remain in Jesus (John 15) and the Holy Spirit remains in us that we are able to bear the fruit of love (Galatians 5:22–23). We are told that God is love and that our love for one another is both enabled by God and a response to His love in us (1 John 4:7–12). It can be difficult for us to rely on God and to give ourselves to Him, but He also allows this difficulty so that His glory can be seen all the more. When we love difficult people or choose to love even when we do not feel like it, we demonstrate our reliance on God and allow His power to be displayed in and through us. Being independent is great. However, people who have relied only on themselves for a long time find it difficult to rely on their partner in a relationship. This can cause problems and make it hard for the relationship to work. Your partner wants you to be your true independent self; they just don’t feel needed. And that’s a problem. Feeling needed is a part of feeling like a team, a partnership. And that’s what a couple should be. Maybe you see the bad in everything and always think of the worst possible outcome. You constantly complain, and nothing seems to be good enough for you. You have an overall negative attitude that makes it hard for people to love you. No one wants to be around someone who is constantly in a dark mood. It’s okay to talk about your problems sometimes. But, if you’re constantly talking about them, it can wear the other person down. I don’t believe anyone gets up in the morning and thinks, I just can’t wait to see how many people I can make miserable today. I often say that hurting people hurt people. The thing that has helped me love difficult people the most is learning to love myself better. I think a lot of people have heard – in some way, shape, or form – the admonition to “love thy neighbor as thyself.” Well, if you don’t love “thyself” very well, it can be that much more challenging to love a person who is already challenging to love.Love yourself so that others could love you. Engage in positive self-talk and practice self-care. Do more of the things that you enjoy doing and improve things about yourself that you don’t like so much. When you talk about yourself, don’t say anything that you wouldn’t say about someone you love. When you think about it, loving yourself is the only thing that makes sense. Otherwise, you are highly unlikely to find the happiness that you deserve to have in your life.

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