Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

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Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. Attachment in the Preschool Years: Theory, Research, and Intervention, 1, 121–160. Bairstow, A. (2017). Couples exploring nonmonogamy: Guidelines for therapists. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 43(4), 343–353. Mikulincer, M. (1998). Attachment working models and the sense of trust: An exploration of interaction goals and affect regulation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(5), 1209–1224. I'm not saying attachment theory is 'the way', but (along with other approaches to conceptualising people's behaviours and needs within interpersonal relationships of any kind) I think it's an interesting way to look at things that can give insights, especially into how anothers reactions and/or responses might differ dramatically from your own.

Most forms of consensual non-monogamy (and there are many, as Fern describes) take that structure away, and so often lay bare our childhood wounds and attachment issues. For example, fear of abandonment can become intense when your spouse goes out on dates with others; asking for what you need can trigger greater anxieties of rejection when your mate has other “options.” In this sense, polyamory forces you to deal with past traumas, whatever their type—and quite often, it compels previously monogamous couples to take a fresh, hard look at their attachment to each other. but I'm going to guess they'd be equally straightforward and constructive, and likely helpful if you're relatively newly navigating multiple relationships, and/or have come acropper and want to revisit/reflect. I found the fourth and fifth point really interesting and it’s a shame that Fern did not dive into them. The book did not cover much ground at all on them. On the fifth point, I do resonate with it. I find it hard to untangle my feelings and motivations to pursue a non-monogamy identity and lifestyle from other parts of who I am, some of which I am already aware of, others of which are rapidly being made known to me – my queerness as a commitment of how to love and as a political stance, my avoidant attachment style which makes it relatively easy (at first, at least) to detach myself from my pals and (potential) metamours, my strong feelings against traditional, nuclear, heterosexual families stemming from feminist perspectives and personal trauma history, the realisation that the gendered way I have sex with my current partner is socially conditioned and also a way to cope with past sexual assault experiences (of no fault of his), and that I would like no longer to relate to my body and loved ones that way, and a deep desire to never stay still. I think I consider that a crisis of deconstruction. The biggest hurdle of the book is getting through the first half. Fern has set a big task for herself and she has to cover a lot of starting-off ground before we can get to the meat of it. She has to make sure her reader understands Attachment Theory and then she has to make sure her reader understands Consensual Nonmonogamy. If you are already familiar, these sections are easy to skim. As polyamory continues to make its way into the mainstream, more and more people are exploring consensual nonmonogamy in the hope of experiencing more love, connection, sex, freedom and support. While for many, the move expands personal horizons, for others, the transition can be challenging, leaving them blindsided and overwhelmed. Beyond the initial transition to nonmonogamy, many struggle with the root issues beneath the symptoms of broken agreements, communication challenges, increased fighting and persistent jealousy.

You are the source of your happiness, love, courage, emotional regulation and purpose, and the sooner you can release your partner from being the source of these experiences the better for everyone involved (metamours included)...You must be a priority in your own life. Secure attachment with yourself means being aware of your feelings and desires, as well as being able to tend to your own needs and knowing how to advocate for them in relationships." Moors, A. C., Ryan, W., & Chopik, W. J. (2019). Multiple loves: The effects of attachment with multiple concurrent romantic partners on relational functioning. Personality and Individual Differences, 147, 102–110.

Rubel, A. N., & Bogaert, A. F. (2015). Consensual nonmonogamy: Psychological well-being and relationship quality correlates. Journal of Sex Research, 52(9), 961–982. Dr. Ian Jenkins and his partners, Jeremy Hodges and Dr. Alan Mayfield—a polyamorous throuple—made history when they became the first family in California to list three parents on a birth certificate. This month, Jenkins published a book about their journey to parenthood, Three Dads and a Baby (Cleis Press). Henrich, R., & Trawinski, C. (2016). Social and therapeutic challenges facing polyamorous clients. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 31(3), 376–390. Gusmano, B. (2019). The kintsugi art of care: Unraveling consent in ethical non-monogamies. Sociological Research Online, 24(4), 661–679. https://doi.org/10.1177/1360780418816103van Tol, R. (2017). I love you, and you, and you too: Challenges of consensual nonmonogamy in relationship therapy. Transactional Analysis Journal, 47(4), 276–293. We ultimately developed a rare depth of attachment; we’re secure enough so that we’ve been able to love others without weakening our bond. In fact, loving other people (and kids and cats) together has strengthened our relationship. Fern first starts by providing an overview of attachment theory and how trauma affects our relationships. She does a great job of conveying the science surrounding attachment theory while still making the content readable and relatable, such as by avoiding unnecessary jargon. I felt like I could see my own relational patterns reflected in her descriptions, and I think she writes so well about how our past experiences can influence us to pull away or grasp firmly onto people we have relationships with, without judging people for their trauma or their general relational tendencies. Balzarini, R. N., et al. (2017). Perceptions of primary and secondary relationships in polyamory. PLoS ONE, 12(5), e0177841. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone0177841 Barker, M. (2011). Monogamies and non-monogamies: A response to “The challenge of monogamy: Bringing it out of the closet and into the treatment room” by Marianne Brandon. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 26(3), 281–287.

Brennan, K. A., & Shaver, P. R. (1995). Dimensions of adult attachment, affect regulation, and romantic relationship functioning. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 21(3), 267–283. Van Ijzendoorn, M. H., et al. (1992). The multiple caregiver paradox: data from Holland and Israel. New Directions for Child Development, 57, 5–27. Ferrer, J. N. (2018). Beyond the non/monogamy system: Fluidity, hybridity, and transcendence in intimate relationships. Psychology and Sexuality, 9(1), 3–20. Simpson, J. A., et al. (2011). Attachment and the management of empathic accuracy in relationship-threatening situations. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(2), 242–254.

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Ich bin durch das Thema Beziehungsanarchie auf dieses Buch gestoßen, da alle anderen Bücher (z.B Polyamory - Theorie.org, Radikale Zärtlichkeit, etc. pp.) nur einen Abriss davon bieten, wie patriarchal und kapitalistisch Monogamie ist (pi pa po). Alles schön und gut, jedoch wollte ich für meine eigene, erste poly Partner*innenschaft auch sachlich in die Tiefe gehen, da es in dieser Gesellschaft alles andere als leicht ist, einen alternativen Beziehungsstil zu führen. Ich wollte mal die Gesellschaftskritik außen vorlassen und mich auf meine Freund*innen- und Partner*innenschaft konzentrieren.